Saturday, February 25, 2006

Depression Exploration

We come to a point in our level of depression where life becomes very predictable. Our routine yields little possibilities to new relationships, and it, in itself becomes seemingly pointless, at least to our mental outlook. We are built to endure this, get through it, learn from it and hopefully get to the next level. The hope of a better life always drives us to continue our battle with depression.

It is ironic though, how there were so many moments in my past where I would have killed for a life as peaceful as the one I lead during depression. Solitude does have it's positive qualities but it seems best when we can decide to have solitude rather then being subjected to live a life of solitude. Again, returning to the 'self prison' theory, we also need to see that we choose this solitude even though it seems so eminent. We explored why we put ourselves into 'self prisons' but I think we need to understand the place in time and how long it need to exist until we can start feeling normal, once again.

We have touched on this inner judge we all have. The voice of reason, reaction, thought, self discussion, prayer and other, important inner, mental instruction. Despite everything and everyone around us we have created our own, unique set of rules...things we choose to do based on what life confronts us with. Yes, we did go to school, to church, social gatherings, family events, and we were taught a list of rules to help us navigate life but every rule we were taught and we ultimately agreed with was based on someone else's version of a story they were taught. In my profession, penis enlargement, I am confronted with truth and TRUTH everyday. 2 truths suggests dishonesty as a rational mind knows only one truth exists. This is only true is physical confirmations but there exists another truth that has very little fundamental bases and in-fact is based on words of a told story rather than physical confirmation of a said reality.

When I decided to sell my brand of penis enlargement to the world I was expected to back up my word with word. This came in the form of correspondence, pictures and even video confirming my new size, attained by my own methods, in the best way I physically could, within my word. In this sense there is plenty of room for manipulation and dishonesty as I could simply lie about my claims and people would believe (this is visible in every other penis enlargement site on the net...lots of word but little physical reality).

I think my business became more profitable the minute I allowed real people to come to me and physically see, measure and confirm my word in person. This type of truth is very different as it is first hand, confirmed by another living person and contains no layers of illusion or deceit. A fresh virgin truth, if you will. Indeed the party could lie but the source of observer is very important too. Anyone could get their best friend to confirm a tale but in my case I allowed many, respected writers and documenters, confirm my claims on camera. This was the credibility I needed, despite anyones interjection that I may be a fraud they are quickly crushed by the word of respectable confirming parties.

This is all very complex but basically it breaks down to things we hear and believe without seeing...Faith Truths... and things we physically have confirmed and have accepted as truths...The Physical Truth. This can give one anxiety when he realizes much of what we have learned in life has never really been physically confirmed. As a matter of fact many of these things may have lost their real meaning as they have been passed down from generation to generation with plenty of room for mis-telling of the original concept. We can even see how quickly a massive population will change their accepted beliefs overnight when Science proclaims a supposed cure or innovation in diet that will change the world. For all they know, this could be based on a story they learned from someone else who changed it to fit their particular agenda. VERY SCARY SHIT.

Most will go through life, doing as they are told, trusting in the word and eventually dying, believing every detail they ever accepted as the truth. I think this is the very reason that when many fall into a deep depression the remerge with a new set of morals and beliefs. It was the very depression that eliminated the need to participate in things we might have otherwise believed to be doomed if we did not participate. This is why, in many cases the person is deemed "a new man" (or woman) and there are physical changes evident of their struggle they endured during their depression.

This indeed is positive and it allows us to engage in a deep, self discovery. A time where we can experiment with alter egos and GOD feared truths. Finding a suitable mate at this point, in a mans life, would be hopeful of Emily Dickinson resurrecting from the dead. We crave understanding and have a deep need for not just empathy but sympathy. We have probably collected scraps and bit of memorabilia that vaguely resemble art and literature but it is the very likeness of these memories that we wish to abolish from our memory in leu of a better life. I think this is the reason many of my deepest, physical, memories of every depression I go through ends up in a box at the furthest reach possible to my present place in life. We strive to forget things that were our only comfort during the low points of our lives. We are never truly balanced as we are always skating on the outer limit of our current condition. Someone who dwells on the cusp of his happy and sad world truly knows the power of a balanced condition.

A need for companionship, one deeper than a friend becomes the last saving grace. We see our destinies' in such a parallel to our completeness, with a sexual companion. We crave, this other half, in deeper ways to any other addiction. It is the very production of life, coming from this union, that gives us a component that makes us feel whole. The said life is not suggestive of only birth of another human but all the new experiences one goes through in a new relationship. This plays a very important part in our self image and when this is lacking it demands that we make changes, and learn to live with and love ourselves, independent from another person.

It always amazes me how I will feel so destitute at one period of my life but come another day, maybe months later, I will be, what seems, the top of my game. This state of mind has always been realized while I was with someone I loved.

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