Rants

While trying to understand the full scope of psychology I encounter more philosophical methods to understanding the true self. We, in a pursuit to answer many deep self understanding questions, find ourselves confused with our current place in life and where we think we should be.

There is usually a gap in these two places, the real self and the unfinished version. What are our final goals, what are we striving towards and why do we strive towards this? Do we really create our own realities? Are we only the version of ourselves that we choose to be? Do we make definitive agreements with our inner selves that dictate our life? Do we, in-fact, hold ourselves back from an existence we could easily attain out of self-doubt and disagreement?

People can make exponentially, massive changes, for the better, in their lives everyday. How do these changes happen and why do certain people allow themselves to indulge in something that disagrees with their practices, daily, ritualistic habits? It always amazes me when I ponder someone who used to be in my life that today is no where to be found. How have such massive changes happened that 2 people no longer communicate? A relationship that perhaps was based in deep love at one point but then it dissipates and the relationship ceases to exist. Was this existence based in mistruths of the supposed reality or can truths change in a moments notice based on some external energy?

These changes can be towards the negative too, where a persons life can change for the worse and they will create a whole, new set of beliefs and understanding about themselves. I really believe these changes or unfinished, unresolved feelings are fully visible to the people around us. I think we appear to be just as we believe we are. Whatever this self belief image is, we project to society in everything we do. We may also limit the public places we go to tailor the outcome of a predisposed belief of failure. Making the inevitable reality become just what we think we believe it should be.

We all have a vision of perfection for ourselves in our brain. An actual person, who is us, in the image of perfection for what our situation is and could be. Complete with financial freedom, sexual prowess, body type, hair, complexion, car, house, mate, etc., a long list of perfect scenarios. This is the very image we judge ourselves against. With every action we subconsciously judge ourselves against this image. We inevitably fail in this comparison and we do punish ourselves based on these failures. Unfortunately the severity of this punishment can span from the simple to a complete life change complete we self created hells. The extent of the stay in this self created purgatory is purely up to us. Simple to say but this is true.

How do we change our life when things are far from perfect? Some people reach all time lows where the distance between reality and perfect is so great that many throw in the towel. So many areas of life suffer when we engage in this downward spiral of self doubt. Our confidence, our hygiene, our level of suffering and keeping ourselves from a good life, companionship with others, all of these items become very difficult problems. We tend to become very introspective, reclusive, secretive, a place we can inflict as much self abusive as we desire with no one to stop us. A place many would call depression but I have always said a depression supported by very real, horrific, realities then it is duly deserved and should be felt. Real, physical changes need to happen in order for the depression to be released but where does one start?

In order to change a life of repetition and poor habit one needs to do something different. As simple as this sounds it still is a large obstacle to overcome when we feel we have little hope in a new situation when the one we are in is so predestined to fail. For myself, when I am in a mental slump, my schedule is very predictable. I go to bed early, watching tv, I wake at dawn, go to get coffee and return home where I will work and dream about how my life could be if I could see way out. In my head, the action of doing something different is pointless as I feel so negative in my current situation that I would no doubt look extremely unapproachable and inevitably fail. As desperate as this seems it is our first steps to salvation when we have lived in a reclusive environment due to failure.

That thought, "what's the point" becomes ever present when we first try to break free of a isolation. This is only normal as we have been so isolated, for so long from society that every move will first be plagued with doubt. It is with new habit, trial and error that one sees that there may actually be a reward to his new inclusion in his schedule.

Remember that as desperate as you may feel the next agreement you make may be the one that secures happiness forever so it is always important to put the effort out, even when you feel otherwise.

Until you feel comfortable in a new lifestyle it will feel awkward and fake. These feeling will subside with time and experience. One may even eventually miss these old feelings of anxiety, not knowing what life holds next. I guess this may be a important reason in the factors that make people cheat in a relationship. As good as our life if going, we always seem to be on a course for an even better version. This can lead to great and terrible places. Accept emotion as a temporary thing and always understand that it will play an important role in the self we are tomorrow.

Our situation can leave us questioning who is responsible for our demise but after careful, honest introspection, we see that we are indeed responsible for our situation. And with this realization we can also assume that we are responsible for why our situation is not what we expect. With the power of our words we plant seeds of expectations, promises, threats, rules and the likewise, never being quite sure of how these seeds will bloom one only knows that they do and when they bare fruit we hope that it favors us. We find ourselves living in a current situation with too much bad fruit and not enough new seed planted. Our existence starts to resemble a kind of death instead of any real growth in life. So strange but this scenario can strike as quickly as it can be wiped away. Someone suffering from financial depression strikes a megabucks ticket their problems are solved, immediately. How they stumble are this momentous fortune is unknown, it just, at times happens. It further angers those in a similar situation adding to the reasons why they may be a loser.

Sometimes the desire to plant new seeds into our future lives seems pointless too, plagued with doubts about their worth and odd comparisons to our past lives. Us, being the constant, obsessive judge of ever detail of our lives may recluse into a world that has no discernible future as the present owner only holds onto a past that he failed at. Waiting for a glimmer of hope to arrive that they may still have a chance to make right, many wrongs, prove themselves, the power to relive a failed past with hopes to do it right this time. This fills so many holes in our self worth to as it means every portion of the relationship needs will be filled, by it's past owner, for normal, happy operation. What a weight lifted off our backs, if only we get that one golden ticket. But still, with odds against us, we wait in vain, with every belief that our diligence will someday pay off. How do we justify this much mental obsession and compulsion? Simple, we have always been taught if we work hard enough we can get it or one only needs to believe to capture his desires. These sayings, based in reality or not, have become instilled in our minds and we actually see our tenacity for a practically, unattainable goal to be acquired through hard work and belief then it indeed is worthy of a try.

With all of this self discovery, agreement and time investment science is still baffled by how radically a mentally hopeless situation can change with this simple introduction or re-introduction of the hearts true desire (or so the believed). Being in the 9th month of my own breakup from a girl I deeply love, I find myself, still, ever committed to the hopeful return of my girl, even though the odds are stacked against me. It is like the Rocky movies in my head at the hopeful success at my hearts desire but with each passing day, these odds become darker and darker.

As human beings live they require life, or interaction to give them selves a feeling of self worth based on their connection to another human being. Sort of like being responsible to another person. In despair our only connection to this may be prayer and immediate family, in the highlights of our lives this 'responsibility' to others may have been much more extensive. With each new person we allow into our lives we become responsible to another human, giving credibility to our self worth. This would explain why someone, who is just out of a relationship, finds a new love, their problems are solved...or are they? A new relationship may give a temporary high or even a hideout from past failures but eventually, the judging self returns with memories of a past gone unattended to. The nature of humanity is guilt and it is this personal reward and punishment system we have that allows us to enjoy a society with such diversity. Never the less, we find that new love does not dissipate old love, and it in no way can replace it. We somehow set aside our old memories of love and fill the gaps with new but since we are fallible they often mix and lead to the rebirth of old feelings, from old loves. The faults of this person become free of negativity and their good qualities shine. They start to become the fantasy to their newest love. It is the single biggest reason people "get back together" the good outweighed the bad and both were driven to each other again, after confirmation that no one else could or would deliver your dream. It rarely coincides with the other party in the relationship which leaves one person eternally sad until they forget or move on or the two coincide. When they coincide is what "true Love Stories" are about. The movies have made films about relationships that suffered but endured and through this tenacity they one day emerge, en-tacked and better than ever imaginable. It is what dreams are made of and it is a sort of drama that keeps us humans progressing in evolution.

We may find ourself, month or years away, in a situation surrounded by new people, new places and our past love emerges, totally unexpected...then what? The thought gives me so much anxiety but it does happen and just like any unexpected even in the relationship cycle, we either get through it or we don't. If we are balanced enough, stayed available, then perhaps it woks out. But what if someone else is with you and an old flame comes to life...it is as anxious of a thought as the above.

All of these situations are the very thoughts and realities to many of the depressed people of the world. A general feeling of hopelessness that soon leads to baby steps back into a world we somehow shut out.

Maybe sometimes we are unwilling to separate ourselves from a depressing situation as we feel the only hope we have in keeping in touch with this loss is by the very sorrow that binds us to the depression. A case of I would rather suffer in your memory than start a new life without you. A very sad situation but very real to all of us at one time or another. Who do we turn to that could possibly understand this, we feel as if we are alone given our own unique circumstances. We cling to desperate rituals of checking the phone, emails, snail mail and the like for a clue to some kind of hope towards a reincarnation of our past happiness. Despite all of this it may be to return to a miserable past life as long as it is with the person they had lost. Humans are strange creatures driven by habit and acceptance. When we fail at something as powerful in defining who we are as a relationship we are sure to encounter struggles beyond anything we have known. Even if we have repeated this process time and time again each separations causes an equally painful time period.

This is why we often punish ourselves in past regrets. Even though there is little we can do to correct our past we still strive towards a perfection to our shortcomings by punishing ourselves with guilt and shame. These emotions scar us and become, temporarily, a part and stigma to our personalities. We may remember a personality that was positive at one time but now you feel stagnant, uninteresting, unworthy. What is the difference between then and now aside from a few years. Yes, we do try to blame our situation on age but when we really consider the time difference it is really unremarkable in the way people perceive us. It is more of a convenient excuse during an extremely confusing time period.

So, we find ourselves in the wake of a relationship ending and we see no light from the shadows of our current pain. Efforts to do something new seem fake and unfruitful. We will compare everything to a past we have mentally tailored to be pristine and perfect...at least the person we have lost. This comparison is very similar to the one where we compare ourselves to the visual expectation we have of ourselves if we were perfect. Very complex and disabling. We will spend a great deal of time thinking on the past with this person, how it would be if they were here, what they are doing now, who they have been with, what they are like, if they think about us, we can fill hours in the day pondering the subject. This in itself is a form of suffering. We know this is a waste of mental energy but we do it anyways. We have these magical beliefs that it will somehow increase the positive chances of a favorable outcome. Even when we realize this and are reminded of it we still dedicate hours to this thought process. We grieve and this process, denoting death, is filled with as many spiritual rituals as it has mental.

We pray on the subject, become more connected to our savior and reestablish ground rules we will live by, in hopes this will please our GOD and He may grant us our wishes. The random odds of this happening further perpetuate the magical practices around religion. Miracles, if you will, that do happen, despite the odds and someone, somewhere is proclaiming their happiness in a real miracle coming true. They then credit the most mystical rituals they instilled so much faith in to describe how something so incredible could happen. It gives their life more value and it increases the faith of those who witnessed this small miracle and the people they told about it. A grand process of acceptances, beliefs if you will, in the importance of faith, GOD and prayer.

We then become undecided in religious matters but still practice all the ritual around the faith. We flip flop in our beliefs in hopes it may increase a cosmic change in our current suffering. At the very least, we are pissing off any GOD that is listening to our prayers...a case of dual-theological psychology. But, still we press on with faith, it keeps us alive.

We will search for answers to our dilemma in everything we experience. We hope to find the one missing clue that will answer all of our problems. Strange to say but when I go into deep depressions I find myself attached to mathematics. Sometimes it is the equational value of numbers and others it is the artistry as seen in fractals or geometry but still, I find myself infatuated with math at a certain level. Perhaps another clue into the psychology of grief and problem solving. We have been taught that mathematics explains an idea in a clear, factual manner, consistent with a truth. If we do not have an equation that explains our reality it automatically creates a need to solve the current problem. Some see this as the infinity equation and lay it to bed but others, like myself, demand a more definitive expression of the unsolved problem.

I find myself turning to art in the same manner with hopes to express this problem and possibly find the solution to the entire dilemma. This will influence the way you look at great masterpieces in the art world now, how much pain went into each brush stroke? Many see very creative portions of their lives flair up during the most painful struggles. Perhaps, unconscious to the creator, he usually emerges with a better outlook on life and lives it to a more fulfilling level. This can describe why some of your favorite musicians can become your most hated after they release an album based on a different emotion then the one you fell in love with. Emotion, a very powerful thing.

We may also try to educate ourselves in any and every area that many contain clues to our rebirth or resurrection to a happier life. When I sink into depression I usually end up reading 100's of books on various subjects surrounding my pain. This only increases my ability to understand and relate myself in future lives. We have always been driven by and to the educated. A more intelligent person denotes a better tomorrow and any association to an educated person increases our odds to acquire our idea of a perfect life. Being knowledgeable is deeply important in a relationship. Understanding as much as you can, as it happens, will only increase your odds of relationship success.

What is the success we hope for? Hard to say as this may change for us as time passes depending on who we are with and how old we may be or feel. A relationship that would allow a total annulment from past regrets and mistakes, one that supersedes our age, makes us feel younger, one that is full of potential and dedication, one that is acceptably beautiful. We may find ourselves changing our idea of what is acceptable in the beauty circles but this evolution is necessary if we want to evolve. There are no 2 people alike and if we are not willing to make changes in what is acceptable to us then we may be facing a live of loneliness as if this person does not return to you you will remain alone. At one point or another we decide to branch out from our likes in acceptability and venture into something we may have never considered in our past lives.

After my separation from Tierney, my wife I started to date Kelli. Tierney was 5' 10" and Kelli was 5' 2", this was quite a difference and it did take time to adjust to but eventually I even replaced the bodily likes of Kelli when I met Jen. We are built to make adjustments in our mental likes and dislikes, it is these manipulations that we find our current niche in sexuality.

With experience comes a list of things we like above all and this is what we base our current search on. We hope to find someone that fits as many of our prerequisites for total happiness as we can. This, too is a long, arduous uphill battle. Geography and frequency of social interaction to new and diverse people would be your best way to achieve this. As I said in a much earlier writing, it is not like she is going to come up to my door and knock. If I want her I have to go out and find her.

Looking our best, even if it's difficult, is important. We need to portray an image that is pleasant if we wish to attract a new mate. Like a strong cologne we wear a image that is very visible to other people. I we think as though we are ugly we then look this way. Fake it till it works. Is this lying? No, it is more of a visualization for a better future. We need to sell ourselves so we need to shine the paint if we want any lookers. We can't appear desperate either as this will only portray a weak image to any would be mates. Population is important too so anywhere there is a large group of people your age gathering together. Somewhere like a club or a game. Our presentation of ourselves and the amount of time we invest in this with determine the results we may have. Again, we will need to make minor adjustments to find our own "most confident" look, when going out.

The chances someone will see you that may like you and you like them is much greater if you are in a heavily populated area. Just the efforts put into getting out and testing this theory will help build a new you and perhaps you will make some friends along the way. Confidence, as discussed, is something that other can vouch for. If we have friends who lend to our credit it is very valuable in attracting a new mate.