Bidet toiletes, anus hygiene, bleaching of the anus ... anus chat really!

[stillwantmore]

What's it like? I just cannot fathom (get used to or absorb) the idea of a jet of water spraying my asshole ...um...clean? I personally use baby wipes vs. toilet paper because it's much cleaner. I dont even like the geysers of water shooting up my ass hole from the depth charge like shits I take sometimes! So, deliberately spraying down my ass after taking a dump...hmm...? There must be more to the system though than just using the spray...I mean surely that itself does not remove the dingleberries. There must be an accompaning wipe after ward right? If youre totally clueless about Bidet toilets...here's a good website: www.magicjohn.com

http://img1.hidemyass.com/img/KVQhL.jpg (http://www.hidemyass.com/img/KVQhL)

[SnakePlissken]

I thought they were to be used on twats.

[PirateSteve]

OK Still, I will admit to having used a few. The ones I have used have mostly been in places where toilet paper is in rare supply, so it kind of made sense. In my experience, they have worked well, even to the extent of getting those "dingleberries" free. The problem is your ass is wet, albeit clean. So you have to stand around until it dries, or walk around with wet drawers, or use a hand towel (imagine accidental consequences here).

Positive things about a bidet are more on the female side. Ever gone down on a chick who had bits of TP in her crack? Or one that tasted or smelled of urine? Even one that just was dirty or smelled bad? A bidet will get rid of all those pesky annoyances.

I will say that from time to time I have convinced myself to install one on the boat. Some places TP is hard to come by, and saltwater is free. Have yet to actually install one though, but this could be the impetus to get me going.

[Gardenier90]

Nope, no sirrie, no way I will ever use one of those damn things. Baby wipes? Don't those leave you wet?

[johnny77]

you will obviously get your ass cleaner with a bidet than wiping with tp for 1 hour....but you will be wet and have wet spots on your pants...hmmmmm,not too attractive,but if you g/f tosses a salad (eats your ass), youre clean as a whistle :P :P :P :P :P :P

[MightyBigWeiner]

isn't that a french invention?

We used to have one a few years ago (more like a decade), and I think i used it once (cmon I was like 8). Can't remember though

[Spektrum]

It's a cultural thing from what I've seen. Arab people seem to use them, even if toilet paper is present. Personally, gimme charmin!

[C-Guy]

No experience with bidet for me. Its just TP then finish off with baby wipe. No it does not leave ya wet. If it did do you really think they would use them on babies. That would be instant diaper rash.

[ItsElectric]

Haven't used one of these, but I usually wet the toilet paper, wipe, and then use dry toilet paper to finish it off. :D Anything else you guys wanna know? ;)

-ItsElectric

[johnny77]

didnt need to know that..just finished eating and was enjoying some jello pudding...yuck....;)

[Gardenier90]

Originally posted by ItsElectric
Haven't used one of these, but I usually wet the toilet paper, wipe, and then use dry toilet paper to finish it off.

-ItsElectric

Are you serious?

[ItsElectric]

Originally posted by Gardenier90
Are you serious?

LOL, yeah.

-ItsElectric

[crazyJLK]

hahaha he doesnt know how to use the 3 shells....

[Turnover]

lol Spam!

[savageblue]

Not all bidés come with a water jet that sprays your ass from underneath.
Here in Portugal it is a very common bathroom appliance. Only in our case, the model we use comes with a regular faucet (just like you wound find in a sink), with both hot and cold water :P

So, how to use it properly?
1 - Wipe your ass with toilet paper as you usually do
2 - Sit at the bidé, run the water and, using some soap, wash your ass as you would if you were taking a shower. Remember that this step is only to clean your butt off of any "residue" that you weren't able to clean with the toilet paper. So it's not like you'll be getting crap all over your hand (sorry for the graphic image). Besides, you're using soap and water, so it is all clean.
3 - When you're done, dry yourself off using a towel. We usually use towels that are smaller than hand towels. Anyway, once you use the towel to dry your butt, don't use it for anything else other than drying off your ass (and don't share it with anyone else either) until you've washed the towel. This, I believe, is common sense :)
4 - You can pull your pants up without any risk of stains or wet spots, since you're all clean, washed, and dryed out :P
5 - Remember to always wash your hands after this (I'm sure you already do even if you don't use a bidé).

There you go, 5 simple steps. It's just a matter of habbit and I personally find it much more hygenic than not using it (it's a cultural thing, I guess), not to mention you can save some toilet paper too.

Other notes on the bidé:
- you can also use it to wash your feet if you come home after a day's work and don't feel like taking a shower.
- just as it is useful for washing twatts, it is also useful for a guy to wash his dick. Going down on a smelly pussy is one hell of a turn-off, so I think we should also do our best to make blowjobs enjoyable for those about to suck us :P

[MAXAMEYES]

Well... back on the farm we'd use a Beagle with a warm nose and an eating disorder.

[Medicating]

How did that work Maxa?

I would actually use a bidet if i had one.

[doublelongdaddy]

bidés

The only way to shit! Toilet paper is the most foul practice I know of...totally disgusting! Whoever came up with a paper that rubs the shit into your skin is sick. After you shit wash your ass!

[MAXAMEYES]

OR....go skinnydipping in Turdfish pond and have 'em nibble ya clean.
Hygeinic AND erotic!
AAaaahhh... country living

[REDZULU2003]

I dont have a water jet up my ass but instead rinse the paper in the sink and wash the shiet out of my ass and than wipe it dry.

[doublelongdaddy]

I am convinced that rubbing shit into your ass using toilet paper causes disease, how could it not? Wash your ass after you shit!

[Turnover]

Just poop in the shower. ;)

[REDZULU2003]

Simply get a cloth and wash your Anus with it, is that so hard? No big deal but this issue doesnt need making large. If people dont wash their shitter than they wont die from that. Mike (DLD) what you should be more worried about is your COLON and detox every 6 months because that is a place where allot of disease stars with 80% of Autopsy having problems in the colon.

When you detox with the relevant applications you shit strange stuff out that has been inside you for yonks. So washing your hairy shit hole doesnt matter in so much you need to get the real shit out of you or get a hose pipe and ram it up your ass and switch on to swill out the bowel and fart it all out.

[doublelongdaddy]

so washing your hairy shit hole doesnt matter in so much you need to get the real shit out of you or get a hose pipe and ram it up your ass and switch on to swill out the bowel and fart it all out.

lmjao!

[Turnover]

I think it is supposedly you should have a colon cleanse every 6-12 months you can lose up to 10lbs in the midsection area!

[doublelongdaddy]

I think it is supposedly you should have a colon cleanse every 6-12 months you can lose up to 10lbs in the midsection area!

Well I am off the buy a pressure washer for my ass!

[Turnover]

Well I am off the buy a pressure washer for my ass!

I prefer the lovely ladies from 2girls1cup

[REDZULU2003]

Thats correct you do lose weight and your colon area will shrink, giving a flatter stomach. Serious stuff guys. Never done it myself yet but know a few who have and seen enough blogs on those who do it with pix of the nastiness to know it works.

The shit that comes out is shaped like the insides of your intestines and is often very dark in colour with lots of mucus around it and smells BAAAAAAAAD. I have seen it in person when I was washing someone's ass several years back in hospital because they had recently been on a detox through the hospital via a special hose up the rectum and washing the thing out ... needless to say when they shat it was VILE and this person had a jelly like substance which was like a dead animal rotting .... my partner in crime that night, the new guy had to open the ward windows otherwise he would have keeled over from the vile evil wickedness of the air that night which came from this persons shitter!

I have used a shower head up my anus to clean out the shit which works great. Cotton buds are also nice for a sensitive bum hole :) I know DLD likes Lavender oil rubbed into his, not its not me but a Spanish maid whom has that 'delight'.

[Turnover]

^^^That is disgusting yet hilarious. If you take fiber on a regular basis you can avoid this kind of shit.

[REDZULU2003]

Did you know about Mike liking the Lavender oil? would you do him the honours?

[doublelongdaddy]

Well, I got arrested today for trying to wash my ass in the local water fountain:)

[MAXAMEYES]

If they saw yer dick, what was the charge? Bigamy?

Well, I got arrested today for trying to wash my ass in the local water fountain:)

[OMGOMGITSHUGE]

I did NOT think this thread would make it for 2 pages. Hm.

[REDZULU2003]

DLD takes his hygiene very serious and as most of us do so having a smelly anus isn't good is it? some guys like it licked for example (I'm not one of those).
I dont care if this thread makes it to 3 pages because its a serious subject matter that obviously wont be discussed in open places (I have never talked about it :) )

A tip for others I have found is to shave your arse hole with a really good sharp razor. I use a cut throat, different blades to the one for face and balls of course :) Do it in front of those large mirrors if you can on the floor so you can see better. What this does is remove all the hair and prevent your anus from sweating, which is a nuisance in summer and why people scratch it allot!

Something else is you wont get unpleasant smells from your arse with it shaved. Must be like a B.O under the armpits. I'm deadly serious guys and not being filthy because I do this and I aint weird either. I have noticed better hygiene from it, much better.

[doublelongdaddy]

If they saw yer dick, what was the charge? Bigamy?

Nah, they got me for Buggery:) WHile I was on the water fountain my penis accidentally slipped into a passing by horse!

[Turnover]

I wasn't going to ever bring this up probably but I think this thread is just right on. I encourage the use of the BathMate while doing the kah-kah, because it is a great way to reverse kegel and get maximum expansion in the tube. I'm not really joking if you do do the doo while wearing the BathMate it helps make the BathMate get a better fit.


Did you know about Mike liking the Lavender oil? would you do him the honours?

Only if I get to do it wearing a maid's uniform.

[REDZULU2003]

Keep these ideas coming, we can use shitting to our advantage.

[savageblue]

If you take fiber on a regular basis you can avoid this kind of shit.

That is a fact. It pretty much settles any bowel issues you might have. Just make sure you drink plenty of water, or you'll feel like you have a stone turd pushing out of your anus and it will hurt :P

[sizerp]

I am convinced that rubbing shit into your ass using toilet paper causes disease, how could it not? Wash your ass after you shit!

I agree 100%. You guys would be absolutely amazed at my hygiene. I take a shower after EVERY SHIT! Oh man, that was fun during my 6kcalorie bulking phase last year.

[sizerp]

Simply get a cloth and wash your Anus with it, is that so hard? No big deal but this issue doesnt need making large. If people dont wash their shitter than they wont die from that. Mike (DLD) what you should be more worried about is your COLON and detox every 6 months because that is a place where allot of disease stars with 80% of Autopsy having problems in the colon.

When you detox with the relevant applications you shit strange stuff out that has been inside you for yonks. So washing your hairy shit hole doesnt matter in so much you need to get the real shit out of you or get a hose pipe and ram it up your ass and switch on to swill out the bowel and fart it all out.

Your language is hilarious, and what you said is so true.

Colonic Hydrotherapy is the word mate.

Also, pure water fasting, candida cleanse, and parasite cleanses are important.

Going in for a colonoscopy myself in a couple weeks to get things checked out (I am only 25). Colon cancer runs in the family so I want to be safe early.

[doublelongdaddy]

Some good points here. I think someone should post a good routine for cleansing.

[Turnover]

Well a colon cleanse is a really great idea if someone has never gotten one. They are fairly inexpensive from online or a health food store, even some regular grocery stores. What it is is basically like supplements you take daily for approximately 2 weeks. Over years and years and years your intestine becomes stored with matter that never fully breaks down and it stores inside of your abdomen for sometimes decades! When you take the supplements designed to break up this toxic waste in your body it flushes itself out of your system and a really nice side effect is your midsection of your belly decreases:) I have heard you can get this build up inside of you from even just taking Aspirin; ever... Well, this is all fine and well and all but you want to have a regular healthy diet regardless afterwards and any time in life. This will keep bowl movements at the correct function which is after each meal by medical standards but I have experienced once first thing in the morning is all that is needed for the entire day, sometimes depending on meals only one other time for the day. I take a regular dose of Flax Seed Oil supplements this is for my other supplements and it also keeps the fluids dismissed. I also occasionally take a diet pill called Abdominal Cuts and this works similarly flushing out fat of my system. This is all fantastic but without a healthy diet it is all relatively useless as it will all replace itself in a short period of time. The good thing about eating healthy and using these supplements is you feel healthy almost always, getting sick less, and having lots of energy, including thinking clearer, passing gas does not smell dreadful, and the best is your ass is not full of shit, bowl movements are normal, and your anus will be a healthier color than dark and stained from an unhealthy lifestyle.

Of course I have lived an unhealthy lifestyle in my lifetime and I have heard you can bleach your anus if you want to lighten it up which is probably what some pornstars do when they have such beautiful and pink assholes. I was thinking to use the BathMate as a like a douche lol eeeew, that is more a joke and not a recommendation of mine but if someone were to experiment with please let us know how it goes.

[REDZULU2003]

you can bleach your anus if you want to lighten it up

really?

[Turnover]

really?

4Real

[REDZULU2003]

You cant leave it at that :) Provide more info and links if possible

[Turnover]

You cant leave it at that :) Provide more info and links if possible

HaHaHaHa, that is all I know!!
I Googled and this was first one I found http://www.bleachbum.com/anal-bleaching-techniques.html, I was going to do this with the rest of my treatments when I was planning on doing porn, but now I will just have to wait until I have a mate to help do it for me, since porn stars are such dirty sluts!

[doublelongdaddy]

HaHaHaHa, that is all I know!!
I Googled and this was first one I found http://www.bleachbum.com/anal-bleaching-techniques.html, I was going to do this with the rest of my treatments when I was planning on doing porn, but now I will just have to wait until I have a mate to help do it for me, since porn stars are such dirty sluts!


Why the fuck would someone bleach their butthole? Maybe some of those over-abused, porn whores. I think after they get fucked in the ass enough their butt hole starts to look used up and abused. Dirty hoes!

[Turnover]

Why the fuck would someone bleach their butthole? Maybe some of those over-abused, porn whores. I think after they get fucked in the ass enough their butt hole starts to look used up and abused. Dirty hoes!

LoL

[REDZULU2003]

WOW I have seen it all now. Bleaching shitters ay! Now if that closet skank ho Rihanna started bleaching her turd bucket, every cunt would want a pink rosy arse hole right? Just needs one to make this 'IT' :) Bleaching arseholes ... who'd have believed it. Maybe just MAYBE this is the way guys with dark dicks from clamping and other methods could go? those ingredients, could they work for bleaching a cock? or would it look so pink it be like porky!

What would happen if this was applied to the skin accidentally? worse case scenario you are dark skinned and end up with what look like milk stained pathes around your fucking butt cheeks for Christ sakes!!! how the fuck do you explain this? and in the changing rooms what a cunt you would look like, more so if your black skinned with white pathes on your arse ... looking like a dairy cow almost and the guys would have every right me thinks to tell you get the fuck out that changing room dirty mutha fucka.

[REDZULU2003]

Turnover you may like this page I found http://www.crappersquarterly.com/features/analbleaching.htm and a product which could also help those with a darker penis through PE, that's labelled for intimate areas and the customer who wants a lighter anus as well http://www.southbeachskinsolutions.com/product_lighteninggel.htm

[REDZULU2003]

This is hilarious http://www.crappersquarterly.com/features/crapping101.htm



Crapping 101

Review our guidelines for courteous crapping and rush up on your crapping skills. First, there are some basic skills that need to be refined before you can become a gentleman crapper.

Skills Development (Pre Crapping)

Scouting
This is a critical skill that will give you the vital preliminary information to quickly analyze the crapping situation, complete a needs/risk assessment, develop crapping scenarios, select a plan of action and begin implementation. There are two phases of the scouting step to be mastered—the external glance and the internal glance.

The external glance is applicable for both commercial and residential use. To execute a proper external glance, bring a combination of auditory, olfactory and visual senses to bear on the situation. Check hallways and passageways to determine any potential external signs of current usage and/or upcoming usage by unwelcome fellow employees or party guests. This can become even more critical in social setttings when there is only one unisex facility available.

The internal glance is more for public facilities with multiple stalls but is important in all situations. This is where you must acertain if the facility is occupied, clean or stocked with the necessary supplies for your upcoming delivery (toilet paper, paper towels, soap, perfume or other sprayable scent, water, etc.). It is important to make sure that you have all of the tools for a successful crap.

Needs Assessment - Risk v. Reward
This is most critical when dealing with social situations, especially if there is someone of the opposite sex around who would not be impressed with poor crapping performances. In this step, you must plug in the information from your scouting and examine the variables. This is the risk and reward stage. How bad do you have to go versus what is the potential for long-term embarassment from friends, family or co-workers. By determining your need, you can then develop crapping scenarios that will allow you to fulfill your mission. Note: Remember, you don't want to be blamed for a foul crap that you didn't make.

Dress
Wearing the proper clothing and footware for crapping is just as important as crapping itself. Skilled crappers wear clothing that is loose fitting so as not to put any extra pressure on the digestive system thereby preventing premature crapping emergencies. Clothing that is easy to remove is important also, especially if you eat foods that generate crapping emergencies. In addition, skilled crappers wear undistinguishable footwear so others will not be able to make positive identifications by looking at the shoes under the stall. Note: Serious crappers always wear underwear so that if they have an accident, they can remove the underwear and throw it away like a diaper and carry on unphased. (Seniors can go ahead and just wear diapers).

Skills Development (During Crapping)

Once your risk v. reward has been determined and you are ready to implement your plan you will need to utilize other skills to ensure success.

Stall Selection
This can vary depending on the type of facility you are entering but a few general rules apply. If you crap in a certain place on a regular basis (i.e. the office), try to find an out of the way crapper, far from ones that guests will use. Also try other floors in your building. The keys to a good crap are privacy and anonimity.

One stall - It is either occupied or not. Weigh risk v. reward and implement plan. If risk is high, find other options.

Two stalls - If none are occupied, select the stall furthest from the door, urinals, sinks or other places where potential crappers congregate unless it is fouled beyond use. If one is occupied, only take the second stall in severe emergencies. Crapping etiquette requires that you give crappers a full one stall buffer unless there is a dire emergency. Don't linger in hopes that the crapper will finish. Leave and either continue scouting for a good return plan or find another location.

Three stalls - Never, ever take the middle stall unless it is a dire emergency or the others are fouled beyond use.

The Cough
When you are occupying a stall, give a little cough to indicate to others that you are there and should be given the courtesy due all crappers. Practice your cough to ensure that it is loud enough and projects past the stall door. Also work on timing. Also give a cough when you enter a public facility. Highly skilled crappers will give you a cough in return to indicate that they are there and know the rules of crapping too. Loud humming or the shuffling of reading materials can be a substitute but is not recommended as it is not very good etiquette. Toe tapping is also quite effective.

Talking
Talking for urinators is within the bounds of good urinating etiquette, especially when urinals are uncomfortably close. However, talking during crapping is a big no no. It is never proper to talk to a crapper or for a crapper to talk to another toilet occupant. Nobody wants to make small talk with someone who has a curly steamer coming out of their ass! Just don't do it!

Reading Materials
This is a brilliant time to brush up on your trade publications or gossip mags. While newspapers are acceptable, they can be unweildy especially in a tight stall. Pornography is never the choice of serious crappers. Erections do not lend themselves to the easing of the sphinctor muscles and the free flow of fecal matter.

Skills Development (Post Crapping)

This is the stage where it will be determined if your crapping venture has been successful. By timing your crap you can escape without others knowing it was you who fouled the toilet. If you can reach the sinks and start washing up you have almost made it. You can always pretend that you were a urinator and had nothing to do with the foulest of vapors eminating from the stall. Of course, nobody will believe you so it is better to get out unseen all together. Note: Serious crappers always wash.

The Bathroom Attendant
This is the most vile of all people because they ensure that no crap could be private or anonymous. If you are faced with a bathroom attendant, try to find an alternative crapping facility. If you can't, then be prepared. The bathroom attendant will expect to interact with you after your crap. They will skillfully turn on the water and squirt soap for you. In fact, by their presence, they actually discourage people from washing. By knowing how to deal with them, you can exact some amount of revenge.

When dealing with the attendant be friendly and straightforward. No need for small talk. Just do your business and get out. However, take revenge on them by using at least three different perfumes or colognes, taking at least three pieces of gum using six towels and two cups of soap. Tipping: Make sure to have a $1 bill ready in a shirt pocket or other easily accessible area so as to plop it into the basket quickly and efficiently. While tipping a person for helping you wash your hands is completely ridiculous, you must way the risk v. reward here. Remember the overall goal and stay focussed and you will be OK. For maximum revenge, wipe your ass with the $1 bill.

Conclusion

While crapping is a bodily function, it can be an art. By learning and using the proper crapping skills and etiquette you too can become a highly-skilled gentleman crapper.

[Turnover]

I hate to say this, butt nice find...Fat girls could probably get the most use out of this don't ya think?

[REDZULU2003]

You've lost me, but this product could be what you need http://www.southbeachskinsolutions.com/product_lighteninggel.htm

[Turnover]

You've lost me, but this product could be what you need http://www.southbeachskinsolutions.com/product_lighteninggel.htm

What I mean is fatter chicks poop more so they need more bleach....yes this is probably the product I would need for bleaching when I go through with it, its a lot better than the bleach we use for laundry like I thought was how it worked.

[REDZULU2003]

Gotcha