Question For DLD...

[Noodles_]

Hey Mike,

I saw your snicket on the show The Perfect Penis shown here in the UK a couple of weeks back.

I have a few questions for you as I seem to be in a similar position and have been for the last few years.

I don't want to bore you or anyone else with in depth details so I'll try to keep things as brief as I can.

Basically, I have suffered from mild anxiety and depression for a few years now. It started at school, someone made a remark about the way I looked and to be honest, it wasn't even meant in a harsh way. You know how things go when you're a teen in high school. Anyway, I guess it just affected me more than it would the next person.

From that point on, that remark was ALWAYS dwelling in my mind and still is to this day. I think about it constantly. So as I said, I never liked what this person said and after that became extremely self conscious about the way I looked.

When I left school, I took up bodybuilding to change the way I looked. I was dedicated to this and got to a point where I was happy with how I looked for once. Then, things took a turn for the worst when I started a four month Accutane cycle for my acne. During this time, I got severely depressed and reached the point where I could not tolerate who I'd become anymore. I stopped bodybuilding due to lower back pain as a result of the Accutane, I began to binge eat for comfort and became overweight putting on around 45 pounds in just a few months.

I did stay on the Accutane course however and fortunately enough my acne cleared up. So, from that point onwards I was fat, overweight and bloated. I hated myself and I hated the way I looked as a result. Now as I said earlier, being extremely self conscious about the way you look it doesn't help when you're now 45 pounds overweight.

Luckily enough, controlling my weight was never a problem for me. I shed off the 45 pounds no problem however my mentality never changed. I was still extremely self concious of how I looked. And still am to this day.

So, as a result of all of the above I never left the house, I had no social life, I lost contact with practically all my friends. I haven't left the house in erm, probably close to 3 years now. Of course, unlike you I wasn't/am not actually agoraphobic. I just never left the house as a result of the depression/anxiety. If the people at where I worked were going on a night out, I'd just always decline. People would ask me what I'm doing at the weekend; I'd just say "Nothing". And that was it, I did nothing. I'd come home from work and just stay in the house for the whole weekend, week after week, month after month, year after year.

I also lost practically every single ounce of confidence I ever had with women and also in a lot of social confrontations. I used to be a 'popular' kid, I had ample friends, I hung out with ample girls and I had bags of confidence. Now, going from that to having no one, no friends, no girls and no social life it was a pretty big change, and hard to get used too for a while.

Things are still pretty much the same today, I'm still depressed and self conscious about the way I look. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm now more determined than ever. And am facing my fears head on. I've tried to turn my life around before and failed, this time I'm determined to make it happen. No more procrastinating. Basically, I can't carry on living the way I have been living and if I do, it's just going to cripple my life.

I'm working out again, I've started to read, I'm taking up hobbies, I'm going to start learning Muay Thai in a few weeks time, I've started PE once again, I'm trying out hypnosis and the list goes on! :)

I do have a more positive outlook on life these days and generally am feeling better in who I am as a person, things could always be worse I guess!

Damn, that was a mammoth task putting all that into perspective and typing it out!

Anyway, just a few questions for you...

In the show it said you shed 140lbs. Just curious as to your reasons for being overweight in the first place. Did this come as a result from any of the conditions you suffered with? OCD, agoraphobia etc...

Also, did you suffer from agoraphobia as a result of something else? Your OCD for example.

Much appreciated,

Thanks.

[doublelongdaddy]

In the show it said you shed 140lbs. Just curious as to your reasons for being overweight in the first place. Did this come as a result from any of the conditions you suffered with? OCD, agoraphobia etc...

I, like you, was involved with body building, I gave up and started to gain unwanted weight, no much but enough. This stabilized and the next weight gain happened about 6 years ago. By the time I decided to do something I was 260. The gain could have been from bipolar swings, medication, laziness, allot of reasons. I also stopped eating right. My diet was very rich.


Also, did you suffer from agoraphobia as a result of something else? Your OCD for example.

My OCD and Agoraphobia worked together, over the past 6 years. I peaked about 3 years ago then started to come out more often. It was about 12 months ago that I went into a manic state and all I wanted to do was be outside. As of the last few months I have been pretty isolated in my house. Not so much agoraphobia but, as you described, depression.

We seem to share many traits of behavior. It is a tough nut to crack, believe me I know. And for me it is never mild, each bout is always massive. Such a difficult, mental illness. It is unfortunate we all still suffer from this.

[Beloved13]

Sometimes I wonder how I got to this state of mind. Like i'd think about when nothing mattered and everything was easy and I was always content and happy and fulfilled. Then suddenly it all changed. I'll never be the same and i'll probably never have that back. I grew very despondent and withdrawn. I used to see things. Nothing inparticular just things out of the corner of my eye like they were coming towards me. Black objects. Usually when I was by myself. I never told anyone. I think the thing that plagues me the most is hope. There is always hope that I can change it or that this will all just go away. It's like a dim light in a dark room and as long as it's on you have to keep going. I still believe one day i'll make it out of this dark tunnel to the otherside.