Self Love

[Benefit]

I'm sitting around today wandering why there is so much emotional scarring revealing itself in these forum boards.

Is having a small dick to embarrassing to talk about? Are the experiences of childhood rejection and humiliation too 'private' to let out in the open?

Is the pain of yesterday so great that it prevents us from living today?

It seems as if most of us have held onto this poison for many years.

I've been reading a lot of threads on MOS.

The 'why did you start PE' thread really opened my eyes up to the scale of this issue.

In reflection: I am one of them. I started PE because girls laughed at me, because my friends were bigger, because of a few bad experiences - because people spread rumors, because of what I saw in porn... somehow all of this created a thought that I wasn't enough. Then I started trying to 'fix' myself - like there was something wrong with me.

I started PE to get away from the pain.

The pain of having a small-average sized penis? yes.

Men have taken a serious beating over the last 5-10 years. Woman were subject to 'perfection ideals' much earlier then us - but now things have changed. We are under the spotlight.

We need 6 packs, 9? inches, nice ripped bodies, perfect smile, great hair, good tan, a house, a nice car and a decent chunk of cash.. THEN we need to be confident, intelligent, funny, interesting, able to fuck for hours, kind, compassionate, generous... self-sacrificing...

How many people in the world are really all these things? I am not all of these things. Even on my best day when I am totally empowered and awake - I am not that.

On my best day I am a reliable, honest, fun-loving human being. I live my life in line with my values. I choose my own values, and I take responsibility for what I create.

On my worst day I am selfish & lazy and grumpy. I avoid responsibility and put the blanket over my head while I gorge on pizza and watch Die Hard.

I am what I am. And you are what you are. I think that a good dose of self love would change the lives of everyone here. It starts with accepting myself. For you, it starts with accepting yourself.

My idea is that we will never reach perfection. The ideals that we have adopted through conditioning while growing up are doing nothing but setting us up to suffer. If I tell myself 'Unless I am all these great things all the time, I am not good enough' I will never feel good enough.

I see a lot of suffering on the boards. Men come here for help. They start PE thinking that a bigger cock will actually fix their self esteem. It wont. When your done building your 8 inch cock, you'll want a 9 inch cock - because there will always be someone bigger than you. The image of perfection will always move just a little further out of your reach - you cannot be perfect.

I've got to quote 10inchadvantage here
'You'll never be forever happy if you base your happiness on a physical object'

There is doubt, feat, share, jealousy & guilt here .. 'She fucked him and said he was bigger' 'She told me I was puny' 'my friends laughed at me when I was little. Guys - it's time to let go of all this pain and move forward being guided by a new emotion - SELF LOVE.

So what?

Maybe as a collective we can reclaim our mental state.

We can create an agreement on the boards to NEVER bring others down with our negativity and powerless feelings.

I see that by comparing the size of each others wounds- all we do is create a collective pain body, that we all share in - spreading more pain - and reducing the likelihood of any of us growing, and healing.

I think that this forum would be better if filled with uplifting positive ideas about self-love and growth - about thinking and developing as men in this world. I think this was DLD's vision. This is what he wanted.

I know that people post on blogs for different reasons. some people only came here to find a group of people who they can relate to.

consider this:

What do you find more empowering

a)belonging to a collective whose core value for sharing time and space is their insecurities with their penis size and obsession with making it bigger

or

b)belonging to a collective whose core value is growth, self love, respect, and positive self empowerment and acceptance (with PE being but one of many tools that we use for growth)

Think about it.

Ask yourself: have you suffered enough?

[Pandora]

(b)

[Jenius]

That was great! I appreciate that type of post.
I love myself but at times i am still confused to be totally honest.
I know that i am here to get larger and i think that exercise can help us better ourselves mentally as well.

[BlackMjolnir025]

Indeed we pass far harsher judgment on ourselves than any other could ever hope to. I am quite familiar with this personally but have become trapped in my own vicious cycle. I do not tolerate mistakes in any form whatsoever from myself and if there is some sort of imperfection or error on my part... well I usually beat myself up so bad about it mentally that it is not repeated again.

Somehow it has been worked into my mind that anything within myself that has not been worked to perfection is a complete and utter failure. Physical or otherwise.

My explanation of the causes:
I'm willing to bet my childhood (which sucked btw) didn't help much on that part. Mainly because my lack of "X" caused most of my pain. Back when I was a wee lad I used to be bullied and ridiculed quite a bit and it made things outside of my nightmarish home life much worse than they could have been. After a concussion from getting my face smashed into a brick wall I guess something clicked inside me because I couldn't take it anymore.

I spent the first 15 years of my life being beaten, made fun of, spit on and just walked all over by just about everybody I knew, including my family. So...I guess everybody has their breaking point and some reach it sooner than others. I worked my ASS OFF to correct all of my weaknesses. My whole life was consumed by hate and the burning desire for revenge against all those who wronged me: My parents for bringing me into this world, my friends for turning against me when I needed them, and then the others who went out of their way to make my life hell.

I guess I could say I had the last laugh but not really...once I got bigger and stronger than "the other guys" and dislocated one's jaw and knocked out the other one's teeth (that'll show them for 2v1 on me :P) nothing really satisfied me because no matter how much I improved and mastered my physical appearance, I was still a very broken person hurting on the inside.

Fast forwarding some years, my goal for perfection and to be better than others became an obsession. If I wasn't the BEST in something then I was a failure. Nothing more. Second place? Unacceptable. If I outright failed something, sure somebody could give me shit for it but they would have no idea about the thrashing my mind was giving itself. There is no comparison for the feeling that this cycle of self degradation gives.

How does this relate to PE?

Simple. In my quest for perfection (and before any sexual experience on my part) I already knew that my size was less than stellar. It was always a nagging thought in the back of my mind and the worst part was that there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it.

My last GF (who was a complete psycho bitch but I'm not going to get into that) absolutely destroyed what confidence I had built up over the years by not only making fun of my size (this occurred when we were breaking up...it was a bit rough) BUT decided to tell all my friends about it as well. My good friends being what they were joined in on the fun and I became the butt of many jokes, much to my chagrin. I still have to listen to these jokes every other day or maybe a little comment here and there but what they don't understand is that shit like that absolutely fucks me up. I have mentally beaten myself up to the point of exhaustion over this and still do.

Now that I've seen PE and know that it works my mind has gone into overdrive on this issue. It's nearly always on my mind and a constant source of insecurity (At this point I'm satisfied with every other aspect of myself but failure in this area to me is completely unacceptable).

People can say what they want. I hold myself to ridiculous standards and I'm well aware of it. Unfortunately, it seems like something I just can not control. Have I suffered enough? Maybe. But in my mind the answer is still No because I have not corrected another "error" in myself. I just want to reach my goals so maybe I can sit back and relax (maybe enjoy life?) without worrying about my own pathetic insecurities.

Another note of clarification: Since the internet is wonderfully anonymous, I would not have posted this otherwise. Anybody who knew me would be absolutely shocked to read that...sort of makes me think about the strangers on the street...you might walk by somebody who looks like he has everything but he might just be the most broken person you could meet. Heh, never assume anything at face value, but then I guess a lot of us here already know that.


I apologize for the very long post but Benefit really struck a chord with me and I simply could not keep silent on the issue. However, thank you for giving me the opportunity to express myself just that little bit. Funny how it's easier to tell perfect strangers as opposed to those we know and trust isn't it?


Black

[Benefit]

Hey Jenius - I respect your philosophy - it sounds realistic without being negative. It's important to at least acknowledge the things in our life that we are unhappy with - then we can seek closure: we can change it, or accept it.

Can you elaborate on what you are confused about? You don't have to do this on here as a reply - just open up a word document and start writing. Integrating ideas brings a large amount of clarity - just putting things to paper and seeing how they fit.

My idea for this year is simply to 'control what I can control' - leaving the rest in Gods/Universes hands.

I'm playing with the stuck in the mud idea. I can tell myself that I am not in the mud all that I like - i am still stuck in the mud, my self-deception changes nothing. The moment I accept that I am stuck in the mud - I can start looking at ways of getting out.

BlackMjolnir, I want to honour you for your deep and insightful post. It took a massive amount of courage and vulnerability to share your experiences. The more I read your post the more I find myself nodding in agreement. Your story is a story that most of us here are living or have lived. Thank you for sharing it.

So where do we go from here?

I like your idea about fixing what's still troubling you, then enjoying life. I just want to draw your attention to the possibility that this could just be an ego trap. Where you get to point B - then you create another problem with yourself and start again. I have been through this cycle before, so I speak from experience, not theory.

I'm still baffled why I do it as well. I keep moving the goal post further and further. I reach too high.

Why do I need to get to some point before I can be worthy of happiness and self love?..

This defies logic. But childhood conditioning puts things into perspective - when we are kids, when we behave and perform well we are rewarded with our parents love - when we misbehave and fail (according to someone else standards) - we are punished.

We internalize this process of self rejection - reward/punishment - and treat ourselves the same way.

I am through with this process.

Today I am taking a stand for loving myself, in the face of feeling anything and everything (shame, fear, disappointment) - no matter what.

I see that anything else is a trap. Putting conditional love on myself is a trap. If i don't reach standards, I am unworthy of love? I am always worthy of self love. If I fail and i continue to love myself - I will try go again. Every time I reject myself I create more poison - and I reduce my chances of succeeding next time.

Today I am going to write a new page in my book of life.

Peace