FLiP180
08-22-11, 05:47 AM
First of all let me start off by apologizing. This is a personal statement. I have really made a mess of things. It felt like it took ages but I tore through a barrier and it was a dark lesson to learn. I am deeply sorry again considering and it feels as though most of what I have done should belong in the trash.
What I learned is so beautiful in its own dysfunctional corruption. If what didn't happen hadn't happen well how drab life would appear. With so much pain it gives a flavor to the experience. I'm telling you I never hurt like that before. You think I am talking about 'one' thing, but that one thing looks small in comparison of the whole view of THINGS that just tore me to pieces; at first.
I hated myself. It was deep for how wrong I turn out too often. I love that quote, "Pain is constant accepting it makes you stronger". I hate admitting that it is true. I think because I never knew that but it is right. Life really is not about love in a sense, love is pain so love is more of a widely used term pertaining several more conscious emotions. Missing, a personal favorite of mine because it is so over looked as an emotion. Anger is another one. It is impossible to master in the heat of the moment for myself. It takes practice and you aren't always so angry for various levels of anger.
I heard a lot of people saying they will pray for me and then I learned that I was being prey'd apon. I saw all the signs and I could not stop it! A spider, the insincere welcome, silence. Not at all relative to what you may feel it sounds to be, unless you can take from it. My trouble is mastering the sense of reality...or...denial. Its confusing because we so often allow ourselves to live up to other peoples reputations. They hate us just as well. You know what I realized is the demons they face are worse than mine because I know what it feels like to feel happiness from within myself. Then I see something beautiful every morning when I wake up. All the aching in my heart from the abuse and mockery it can be a fight for the sanity in your mind and then it can be a release of stress when there is nothing left but to leave it behind you. Its that simple just- move on. We drive ourselves insane, okay trying to figure out something we already know and the memories hold us to promises we never made.
An example is: you're the one missing out if you choose not to read this. If you read it and choose not to absorb what purpose for myself it is written is not my loss. You truly do have to watch for the signs that God sets before you when you are miserable keep your eyes and ears open to what He is trying to say. It is a mystery not a soul would dispute. The ones who cause the misery even agree with a smirk or a sulk it is the nature of existence. How often I reminiscence on how unimportant what I love to do is write on this when there are no views and empty responses regular enough. I can tell in my own life I get better at myself, language, communication, humor. It is not me who is slowed down but all those around me and I fault at leaving too much heart in the absence of trust. Doubt swallowed while the screams of wisdom muffled.
Lisa Simpson might have said some shit like this. If I wanted to I could be a kick ass saxophone player- honestly though, nothing personal, I cannot stand anything by Kyne Gee these days. Truthfully this is what most of this is all about. There wasn't just one event that took place, or only two, there were a multiple series of events that all dropped at once and suicide never felt so fearless rather persuasive. Though this is mostly about pain, which then angers me why it is here. I think thoughts that make me feel better and then they disappear replaced with sorrow. The sadness is so heavy it engulfs any idea of a satisfying future but that is exactly what all the pain is about is the future satisfaction!
It sounds undesirable at first but the hardest part is admitting it is the truth. The truth is just boring without a plan. Then corruption finds ways to confuse the pure honesty of a good plan. Unjustified confinement for what feels like an eternity(hell) that is the only way to know true solace within.
What I learned is so beautiful in its own dysfunctional corruption. If what didn't happen hadn't happen well how drab life would appear. With so much pain it gives a flavor to the experience. I'm telling you I never hurt like that before. You think I am talking about 'one' thing, but that one thing looks small in comparison of the whole view of THINGS that just tore me to pieces; at first.
I hated myself. It was deep for how wrong I turn out too often. I love that quote, "Pain is constant accepting it makes you stronger". I hate admitting that it is true. I think because I never knew that but it is right. Life really is not about love in a sense, love is pain so love is more of a widely used term pertaining several more conscious emotions. Missing, a personal favorite of mine because it is so over looked as an emotion. Anger is another one. It is impossible to master in the heat of the moment for myself. It takes practice and you aren't always so angry for various levels of anger.
I heard a lot of people saying they will pray for me and then I learned that I was being prey'd apon. I saw all the signs and I could not stop it! A spider, the insincere welcome, silence. Not at all relative to what you may feel it sounds to be, unless you can take from it. My trouble is mastering the sense of reality...or...denial. Its confusing because we so often allow ourselves to live up to other peoples reputations. They hate us just as well. You know what I realized is the demons they face are worse than mine because I know what it feels like to feel happiness from within myself. Then I see something beautiful every morning when I wake up. All the aching in my heart from the abuse and mockery it can be a fight for the sanity in your mind and then it can be a release of stress when there is nothing left but to leave it behind you. Its that simple just- move on. We drive ourselves insane, okay trying to figure out something we already know and the memories hold us to promises we never made.
An example is: you're the one missing out if you choose not to read this. If you read it and choose not to absorb what purpose for myself it is written is not my loss. You truly do have to watch for the signs that God sets before you when you are miserable keep your eyes and ears open to what He is trying to say. It is a mystery not a soul would dispute. The ones who cause the misery even agree with a smirk or a sulk it is the nature of existence. How often I reminiscence on how unimportant what I love to do is write on this when there are no views and empty responses regular enough. I can tell in my own life I get better at myself, language, communication, humor. It is not me who is slowed down but all those around me and I fault at leaving too much heart in the absence of trust. Doubt swallowed while the screams of wisdom muffled.
Lisa Simpson might have said some shit like this. If I wanted to I could be a kick ass saxophone player- honestly though, nothing personal, I cannot stand anything by Kyne Gee these days. Truthfully this is what most of this is all about. There wasn't just one event that took place, or only two, there were a multiple series of events that all dropped at once and suicide never felt so fearless rather persuasive. Though this is mostly about pain, which then angers me why it is here. I think thoughts that make me feel better and then they disappear replaced with sorrow. The sadness is so heavy it engulfs any idea of a satisfying future but that is exactly what all the pain is about is the future satisfaction!
It sounds undesirable at first but the hardest part is admitting it is the truth. The truth is just boring without a plan. Then corruption finds ways to confuse the pure honesty of a good plan. Unjustified confinement for what feels like an eternity(hell) that is the only way to know true solace within.